Are Our Children Really Stubborn, or Are We Just Not Knowing How to Interact With Them Properly?
Stubbornness in children is a common complaint among many mothers.
But are our children really stubborn, or are we just not responding to them the right way?
At around age two, the first word children often learn is “No.”
Here, “No” means “I exist” — they want to feel their presence is acknowledged.
They want to choose and have opinions.
Families generally respond to a child’s “No” in two ways:
The First Way:
Teaching the child to be independent, to think and act — even if they make mistakes — and learn from those mistakes. This approach leads to a child who grows up responsible and able to make decisions.
The Second Way:
Restricting the child’s freedom. Saying:
“You’re just a child, you don’t understand. I’m older and I know what’s best for you. You need to obey and say ‘okay’ without asking why.”
In the first way, families need flexibility and freedom to give their children some space.
In the second way, you end up with a stubborn and rebellious child, and both the parent and child clash. Usually, children have more persistence and win these standoffs.
In adolescence, children who were not allowed to say “No” when they were young will say it even more strongly, leading to rebellious conflicts between parents and teenagers.
Alternatively, some teens may develop social anxiety and difficulty interacting with others because they are used to being submissive. They may not know how to demand their rights or defend themselves because their parents imposed strict control and undermined their self-confidence.
The First Question:
Why must children obey and not object?
A child who objects and expresses their opinion will develop maturity and know how to handle situations later in life.
But a child who must obey without understanding or questioning will grow up unable to act or take initiative, feeling failure, helplessness, and avoiding responsibility.
The mother might say: “Not every request should be negotiable with the child — some things the child cannot decide.”
Here, dialogue and compromise come in. We seek a middle ground that satisfies both sides.
How to apply this in a supermarket situation when the child picks up many things and embarrasses me?
Before going to the supermarket, set clear rules and write them down. For example: “You can pick two items.” Write them down.
If the child grabs more items, the agreement is canceled, and you leave without buying anything.
If the child insists and starts crying, enforce the second part of the agreement — leave without buying anything.
Then explain to the child that this is the result of not keeping the agreement. This way, the child learns to take responsibility for their decisions.
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